How to have a conversation about suicide
If you think someone is considering suicide, you can start a conversation with them about it, even if that feels like a scary thing to do. There are a few reasons for this:
You want to know whether they’re in danger.
Asking them gives them an opportunity to talk, and can help reduce their worry and shame.
It shows you care, even if they are not thinking about suicide.
Remember, asking directly whether someone is considering suicide will not put the idea in their head. Learn more here.
Stigma around mental health and suicide can make these topics feel difficult to talk about. Stigma is different in every community, and many people feel that in their family, or their ethnic group, or their profession, there are some things that are just “not talked about”. If you think someone you know is considering suicide, it’s important to find a way to overcome that stigma and start the conversation anyway - you could save a life. For guidance or to make a plan, call the NAMI Chicago Helpline at 833-626-4244.
How to Start
Before you begin this conversation, there are a few questions you may want to ask yourself:
1. What is the best time and place for this conversation?
You’ll want to choose a place where the person will feel comfortable and where you can have some level of privacy.
2. Am I the right person to have this conversation?
If not, is there another loved one or family member who the person might feel more comfortable talking to? Find them.
3. How can I build trust?
The goal of the conversation should be for you to listen non-judgmentally. You’re here to find out what is going on, and figure out how you can help. If you have stress or worry about having this conversation, think about how to best manage it. Try for a calm tone of voice, normal volume and conversational rate of speech. Notice your body language - your stance, gestures, and eye expression. Maintaining natural eye contact reinforces that you’re listening.
What to Say
“I’m worried about you. This is what I’ve noticed.”
“Recently, I’ve noticed some differences in you and I wanted to check in and see how you were doing.”
It’s okay to start this conversation open-ended. Give the person a chance to share what’s going on. And when they talk, listen.
“You are not alone in this. I’m here for you.”
“I may not understand exactly how you feel, but I care about your well-being and want to help.”
Communicate your desire to help.
“Are you thinking about suicide?”
“Sometimes people who experience x, y, z have thoughts of suicide. Do you?”
Ask directly. It’s the best way to get an honest answer.
“How often have you had these thoughts?”“When you have these thoughts, how long do they last?”
“Do you have a plan? Do you have the means to act out that plan?”
Ask for more details. Take what they say seriously - the thought of suicide makes sense to that person.
What Not To Say
“You’re not thinking of doing anything stupid, are you?”
Avoid language that could shame the person, and questions that would shut the conversation down. Your goal is to have the individual open up to you.
“I understand exactly how you feel.”
People considering suicide often feel alone in their feelings. Even if you think you may understand, it is best to not assume you know exactly how they feel.
“Your life is so good! You have x, y and z!”
You may see the person’s life quite differently than they do, but their reasons make sense to them, and their perspective is different than yours.
“It’s so hard for me to see you in pain.”
Try not to make this conversation about you and your feelings. The person may already feel like a burden. Focus on them and their experiences.
Know Yourself
Remember, your goal should be to listen non-judgmentally, find out what is going on, and figure out how you can help. As the conversation goes on, pay attention to whether you’re staying true to those goals. Are you starting to problem-solve because you’re nervous? Are you getting an overwhelming urge to start sharing your own feelings and stop listening? Stop, check yourself and re-adjust.
If you learn in this conversation that this person is thinking about suicide, it’s important to help them stay safe. There are resources available that can help support their mental health, make safety plans or intervene in an emergency. For support and guidance on how to help, call NAMI Chicago’s Helpline at 833-626-4244, or if this is an emergency, call 911 and ask for a CIT-trained officer.